Making A Fresh Start

My friend and podcast co-host Vixen Divine welcome a special guest, Deena Rabideau! The three of us discuss the topic of making a fresh start.

In this episode, we discuss:

• Our personal experiences starting over and what we’ve learned from that process
• How to know when it’s time to make a fresh start
• Ways to keep your core identity in place during a life transition
• How to keep a positive mindset when handling unplanned changes
• Five things to remember when you’re starting over

Real women, Real talk!

Transcript

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Welcome to episode 17 of the Light Her Project podcast. Welcome to episode 17 of the Light Her Project podcast. Welcome to episode 17 of the Light Her Project podcast. Real women. Real talk. I'm Rachel Strella. and I'm Vixen Divine. Thank you for tuning in today. And I’m Deena Rabideau We do have a guest. Welcome. So Thank you. Today's topic is making a fresh start. So I'm really happy to have a guest here. And I think she's best introduced by her Instagram profile. So it says, Mom, bar owner, was having fun with the second half of my existence. I also do not give a beep what others think. My kind of gal. Thank you so much for joining us. We actually met on TikTok. So you don't often form relationships that way. But it was great. So I'm really glad to have you here. With the new year just around the corner. Well thank you, thanks for having me. Yes, yeah, it's so wonderful. With the new year coming, you know, right around the corner. We're probably thinking about this. So whether it's our careers or our personal lives This topic seems pretty timely. So we usually start our episodes talking about our personal experiences. So let's talk about a time when we had to make a start and maybe what we learned from it from that fresh start. So for me, one of the things that sticks out on my personal life in 2014, I left my husband. And I moved from Harrisburg to Norristown and I was completely on my own for the first time. And my mom and dad were not like really happy about it, especially my mom. And so that was hard too, because you're already making this life change and you have people that are like, why are you doing that? So I think for me, what I learned is that, you're gonna have doubters. And like change can come as a shock to people. I know that some people can even take it personally. And one thing that I'll say though, is I found that the people who doubt you the most are the ones that probably don't have the courage to make a change themselves. So they undermine those who do. And I remember one of my friends, a good friend saying, you know, the grass isn't greener on the other side. And that always stuck out to me as an attack. Well, you know what, here's the thing about that. It can be awful. It can be awful at the time. It can feel really bad when people don't get behind you on the things that you want to do, because you need support at that point. But you know what? When you stand up for yourself, like you did, because you did it anyway, and you did what you needed to do, you came out better for it, didn't you? See? Yep. It’s one of those things, what happened to me, well, several things happened to me, but as far as making a change and a fresh start, I think also for me, one of the things, and I think some of you guys know this story about when I got divorced, and then I suddenly ended up with two kids, a single mom and two autistic children with no real world education. I was educated. Went to college, but I went to school for business and had never actually worked in business because I was a stay at home mom. So I had no real world experience per se. So that was a fresh start for real, but you have to just make a determination and a decision. And sometimes it doesn't matter what you say, but what it taught me was, you know what? You can make a fresh start whenever you want. Nobody has to give you permission. It's just something you want to do and you can do it and it's really not trouble at all. 100% agree. I've had the similar experience as both of you when getting divorced myself. My mother was not happy. My family was not happy. It's almost like they kicked me out of the family for a while. And then I just feel like eventually everyone calms down. They accept it. It starts to get better. My ex-husband and I are best friends now. And we've been divorced a very long time. And we have a child. My mom, you know, came around, everybody came around and everything ended up fine. My friends were, some friends were not happy and all of that, but in the end, ultimately it's you, it's your life, it's your decision. Everyone should be happy. They should be. And does, and any of you think of this, do you think that these people are just concerned about us? Hmm. Some, maybe some. And what Rachel said is right though, a lot of people don't have the courage to do it. They want to do it, but they don't do it. And then when someone is doing it, they're like, Well, let's go to some questions here. So how do you know when it's time to make a change, you know, or a new start, like, what are you feeling? You know, happy, bad, unhappy, complacent. I think obviously unhappiness is a definite indicator. You know, you could be feeling stuck or spinning your wheels. Sometimes we're forced to, you know, we hit bottom. And we're creatures of habit. So because it truly takes hitting rock bottom before making a necessary change. I know that happened with my brother. Other times I think we just kind of wanna pursue things because we're drawn to it or passionate about it. You may have heard that phrase, the heart wants for the heart wants. No, and I know from like the career standpoint, it's easy to get bored too. Some people say, oh, a job is just a job. I think the older generation mentality was like, you just got to do what you got to do. You clock in, you clock out. It's just work, you know? And now there's just this deep sense of purpose for the younger generations. You know, they're in search of that and that changed the game. The gig economy changes the game. And I know for me, like I have to like my work. If I'm not enjoying it, I know I need to make a change and that's how I knew when I wanted to start my business when I did in 2010. What do you think, Deena? Um, I feel like it could be a couple of things, like a huge life change. And you're like, oh my gosh, what am I doing? Like I could be, I'm not happy. I'm not as fulfilled as I could be. It's time for me to pivot. Like, let me go try this. Fear. Fear is the killer of most for people. Fear will stop you from doing anything. It just kills the dream for a lot of people because they're scared. I recommend conquering them fears in your 30s so you can recover later if need be. But I think a big life change sometimes has to happen for people to be like, that's it. I'm gonna go do this. I'm gonna try it. I think that fear that you speak of, I think if you're not afraid of whatever you're about to do, then you're just complacent. It's not gonna be a change unless you fear it, because you're gonna be in that same spot because that's comfortable. That comfortable spot is something you already know how to do, something you already did, somewhere you've already been. But that fear is somewhere you have not been yet, because you don't know what's happening, you don't know what's going on, you don't know what's going on ahead. Yeah, you're absolutely right. But when you get there, that's the place to be. Then if that's in finance, that's in personal life, that's in all of it. You have to have a little bit. Now, I'm not saying jump off a bridge. Not saying that. There's limits to that. If you are, I hope some bungee cords are strapped to your ankles if you're doing that. But genuinely, be having common sense when you do this. But you should have a little bit of fear when you move on to that next thing, because that's when you know you've pushed yourself. I agree with you 100%. So I know Vixen you have a special interest in this question. How do you keep your core identity in place when making a life transition? This is something that people, they feel like they have to change. When they make that transition, they feel like they have to change who they are. In other words, Lisa steps into the room. Suddenly they have to be like Lisa because they don't have their core self. I love Madonna when she did this. Remember that? And the vogue. Yeah. Little box here. Okay. So you should have, everyone should have a box. That is your true self. Now, don't get me wrong. Sometimes you do change yourself to kind of make Lisa feel a little more comfortable, you know, that sort of thing, but understand what you're doing. You can't do that with Lisa and Jeff and John and everyone, you know, you had a boyfriend, John, suddenly you wanna go kayaking. Right. You never liked kayaking, but suddenly your best sport. You know, that kind of thing. So your core self is your core belief. No matter if you're going camping, you know you don't like bugs, so go glamping. Just do that. Have your core self and understand who you are. If you don't understand who you are, that fresh start is worthless because you're gonna change into something you don't like. Because you're changing things you don't need to. Change the things on your outside, but keep that core on the inside. Understand, if you have to write a little tablet or a journal to remember, write down who your core self is. Some people don't know. That's true. Staying true to yourself is important. Very important, very important. So that's just the one thing I would say about that. That is the big deal I see. Oh my gosh, I can give you some examples, but y'all can talk, go on. On another podcast. Hahaha. I understand what you're saying. And I would actually argue though, that we better identify who we are when we make a life transition. So like, I know for me, I discovered strength and resilience that I didn't know that I had. And I learned a lot about myself, but I think I had my core, my core down, you know, like I knew who I was. But I learned so much more about who I was in this process. I mean, they say change is necessary for growth, you know, I learned there's so much that I learned when I make a change like a massive change. How about you, Deena? Oh, I think I'm struggling with that right now because I did just move. Um, I have learned a ton about myself. I would never, um, go anywhere by myself or not go any like at where I came from, where I grew up. Yeah. All day long, every day, all day, but like traveling by myself, flying by myself, um, leaving the house here and just venturing out by myself. That would-- A year ago, no way, I would have told you crazy. If you would have told me that I'd be doing this right now. I still do, I am struggling with giving up control of my business that I grew and cultivated. And it, failure has always been, you know, a word in my vocabulary, but it's never happened to me. I've been very blessed. But I think some of that's contributed to my strength. You can't, you can't, I can't discount that. But trying to just stay true to myself, like Rachel said, I know already that I'm a strong person. I can handle anything. I've been through some things, I can handle anything. I can do it. I just know I can do it. Yeah. And as business owners, we understand like that would be a really hard thing to have to walk away from. Yeah, I sold a percentage of my business to one of my staff members. That was her bargain and that's okay. Um, I'm sick to myself about it, but I got to trust that. That I did enough with her that, she's watched me enough. She's been there 12 years that it's enough to, until I decide to take both feet out that, that she can do it for us. Yeah, I understand that and Vixen and I've talked about that before because I have you know team of people and she likes to keep things mostly in her hands, you know? I have problems. Are they good problems? You got to, you got to, you got that control, you know, get it. All right. So another question here, and we'll start with Deena on this one. When you have to start new because of an unplanned change, like, how do you keep a positive mindset? I don’t know, I was thinking about this. I don't know if I've ever had to do something that was unplanned, you know, pivot or make a change. That's well, I mean, I guess it didn't change like the day to day, but like losing my mom, like my whole life changed. Things change. That's when I was like, that's it. I'm going to do this. I don't, I can do this. If I just went through that, I can do anything. Nothing's going to affect me. But I don't think I've ever had to make a change just on a dime like that. Again, I'm going to go back to I'm blessed and grateful that I've never had to do that, but I'm confident that I could. Okay, all right, that sounds good. I like the confidence there. You have to when you're solo, you know it you gotta know there's nobody but you no one's coming to save you, there's no one but me Well, keeping a positive mindset, I think, is back to that core. And it actually has to do with how you're raised and your surroundings. Because if you have negativity around you constantly, you are likely to be a negative person. You would have to... To be a positive person, you would have to make a serious beeline for the positivity for it to even manifest in your life because there's so much negativity around you and how you were raised the same way. Those, your surroundings affect your life, affect your thinking, affect how you are. So you would need to really make sure and be conscious of it. If you have that control, assuming that you do, start reading positive books. Start reading positive change things, affirmations, because the best way to handle and keep a positive mindset is have one before you need one. Oh yeah, I like that. I like that. Yes, good advice. You are 100% right. I, my mom is an extremely negative person. Now she's, she went mentally ill about two years ago, so she's a little different now. But my whole life, it wouldn't matter what it was, she'd be negative. You know, if I had all A's and a B+, what's up with the B+. You know, stuff like that. And so it was ingrained in me. Like from the start, you know, I always just was negative was where I went right away. And I'm still a very skeptical person, Vixen knows, you know, I took a conscious effort for me to really turn that around and be positive. So I'm glad you brought that up. As far as unplanned change though I think, you know, change is constant. Isn’t that a saying? So things are gonna happen. And unfortunate things are gonna happen. I know, you know, Like when Nathan's dad died earlier this year, that really was huge for us. What we had to do to take care of his mom and everything else, it was just a huge shock. So one of the things that's helped me is relying on other people. I had a community of people from family and friends. My team stepped up. I think it's so important to have people around you that support you. You know are going to be there because it's so hard to get through some things that you don't expect. But I will say change is still necessary for growth, even if it isn't something that's unfortunate or unplanned. You know, Nathan and I can both say we're stronger this year after everything that's happened. And we've had a lot of stuff happen in our personal life, aside from his dad passing. Well, that's good. I mean, it's good that you can come up with something positive after all that, you know, those sort of things. But I think you made a conscious effort because you had more of a negative upbringing in that respect. You knew what it was. You were able to identify it. So you made a conscious effort to go away from that. It's almost like you see how you don't want to be, what not to do. Like they taught you to go the opposite, which is only up. That's kind of how I look at it when people are negative like that. They showed me what not to do, how I don't want to be. Exactly. No, you're 100% right. And I was really lucky to have somebody who I considered to be more of a mother to me as a role model in my life when I was growing up, you know, and that really helped turn things around for me. Again, people I just don't know how you can do certain things without that support. Yeah. Well, let's talk about what we're seeing. So we found this TikTok post from a gal who I'd never heard of, but she's actually got a pretty big following, Anna Kai, and her TikTok is, @itsmaybeboth. So she has these five pieces of advice to remember when you're starting over, and I wanna get everyone's thoughts on that. So the first thing she said is that the beginning of something new often feels like the end of life as you know it, because it is. She uses a metaphor about building a new home when an old home is still standing you need to completely demolish yourself to start over. What do you guys think of that? I feel like, cause I kind of had that experience, like had a softy moment. That's why I love to call it a softy moment. I get all wimpy. Softy moment because we sold our family home. But it's still standing. It's just someone else bought it and like redid it. And like, when I go by it, I'm like, oh, they took the trees from the front yard. I'm like, oh, they're parking on that side now. You know, I actually take it a little personally that they changed the home. But it doesn't feel like it's starting over. I just noticed the changes. But the home that I'm in, I still feel love for that home. So I feel like they can coexist when something old or something has been gone away from you and something new. I feel like they can coexist without feeling like it's the end. Agreed. Yeah, I agree with you. It's a little dramatic. But I can kind of get what she's saying. You know, sometimes you can't have your foot in one area and then the other when you're trying to make a change. Like, if you really want to make a change, you've got to make a leap fully over, you know. I think that's a decision I'm struggling with right now. I either feel like I need to sell my home in Illinois and just be gone, or I have to reconcile something somewhere. Cause I don't know. Right now I'm like one foot, one foot, I'm 50, 50. I gotta get a hundred somewhere. I feel like maybe to get going, to just be done and go. You want to put all your efforts in one thing. Yeah, and I think I'm just bored, honestly, you guys. I think I'm just bored right now, because I've never not had anything to do, and I have nothing to do. No. Hey, I got plenty to do. You're going to be I was going to say, would you like a project? Yeah. You can whip my team into shape. Oh, no, they're gonna edit this podcast Okay, so our second thing she said the best things in life will come from your worst days hmm I don't know I mean I kind of think that maybe the best things in life can come from things that have happened that are really bad. But I'm not sure what you guys think I don't know, even I feel like aren't the worst days the bad days? So I think that, yeah, I think she's right in that respect where the reinvention thing starts to happen because you don't have, it's a bad thing. Something bad has happened to you. So you need a way out of it. So that's when you invent something to get out of it. So that's where the good thing comes from. So that's, I feel like you wouldn't have, what they say, invention, what's that mother of necessity or something? Mmm, yeah. Yeah, you invent stuff when you don't have it. So you're like, hmm, how can I get out of this? So I think something good can come out of that when it's your worst days and you really gotta get out of it. Yeah, I think in retrospect, I would see that at the time. I don't think I'd see it, but after the dust had settled, I'd probably would see that there was some kind of glass full, half full that came out of it. Um, but I try, sometimes I just don't think too deep into things. I put them away and I move on. Mm. Yeah. Oh, you don't sit and stew over it? I try not to. I try not to. It'll keep you up at night. Okay, I admit it does keep me up at night. I'm in the middle of the night. I think of something in the middle of the night. I'm tapping my husband. Hey. Yeah, so you can't let it do it to you. You just can't let it. You can't let it in. Rest is the most important thing. Well, number three, she says, you can either live your life afraid of what others will say about you behind your back or you can live your life knowing that regardless of what you do, others will always talk about you. I think nail on the head, you can't get any better than that. That's 100% correct. Well, Rachel, you know. You already know. I, it don't matter what you say about me. I-- girl. I don't care. Mm-mm. I don’t even have time for that. I love it. I think as I've gotten older, it's been easier for me to accept that. I think there was a part of me that felt like, oh, I need to change everybody's minds and I need to prove to them that they're wrong. But as I got older, it was like, who gives a crap? They're wrong. It's not worth my time. Yep. Yeah, I think maybe and especially more because of we're women. We care too much. But I think there was a certain age where I was like, no, I can't care anymore. It can't affect me anymore. You're not me. You don't walk my shoes. You don't have to live my life. Mind your business. I'm not hurting anyone. There's no reason. Mm-hmm. I really wish young people, and this, I mean, older people happen to this, they happen with this too, but so many teenagers in particular, oh my gosh, they care. They care about that other, the girl who, you know, is popular when that said over there, they care. They care too much about people that don't actually matter. They just don't realize that they don't actually matter. And I don't know, there must be some, parental thing that we can do. I mean, my mom tricked me into not caring, but that's a whole nother story there. But it worked and it worked just fine. I'm glad she did it. A lot of it I think is social media too. They just compare themselves to everything they see, everyone they see, the kids who have the better, you know, and I mean, I grew up very poor. I didn't have hardly anything. And thank God there wasn't social media because I don't think I'd be as strong of a person today as I am had I felt that inferior watching all these other people have things that I couldn't have. I can agree with that because I grew up poor too and it always bothered me, you know, that feeling like I was inferior. Social media only elevates those feelings. Oh gosh yeah. Yeah. I just think even growing up middle class, there was always somebody who had more than you. There always is, yep. So even, I think even having, no matter what class you're in, you're still gonna find somebody, you know, Even someone rich is not, what is her name? The North girl, yes, those people. So you're always gonna find somebody who is higher than you as far as social status and such, no matter where you are. So I feel like that strong mindset, it's really can start from home. I think maybe there should be some like parental classes or something, don't they have those? Yeah, yeah, I had to take one when I got divorced. I had to. It was mandated. Yeah, now I don't think they do it. I think on social media, too, though, people, these young girls, they can be whoever they want to be, and they can pretend and portray things, you know, a snippet of their life as perfect. And they have all these things. But then when they turn that phone off, they don't, you know, it's a big mind... Mind mess for people. Yep, we talked about that before. It's really interesting and scary. Yeah, for young people. Yes. Yeah, who don't know any better. And then they don't pick what they want to actually do in far as what they want to actually be, what they love. They pick what they think is going to bring them the most money. 100%, 100%. And it's not fulfilling. You could have all the money. Money should not motivate people. Money should be a bonus. Be happy. You gotta get up. You gotta be happy where you're going every day. And they learn that later. They learn that later. Yeah. Alright, two more left, number four. Life isn't fair, but you don't need to wait for it to become fair in order for you to try. At this point, you know, she's saying, live your life, for the only voice that matters, the one inside your head. Girl, you don't want to be inside my head. There’s a couple of voices in there. But you're talking about one voice. Okay, let's go to the main one. Yeah, the main one is the one that is the upstanding, don't give a crap person. And she's the one that I mostly listen to. I don't know. I'm not a big fan of when they say that's not fair. I'm not a big fan of that. I just, I don't know. Everyone's in control of you. You bring what you give out and I mean, certain situations, yeah, it's cut and dry, you know, but there are a lot of areas where I think if you want it, you got to go get it. Don't-- you don't wait and yeah you are the only person who matters that's it, in your in your thing in your lane in your box with what you're doing or where you're trying to get to it's just you that's it do it you just have to do it Alright last one, today is not too late no matter how old you are. Commence that. I agree with that. Okay, so I have this thing. So I used to be a Wilhelmina model, okay? But as a younger person, did you guys ever see those commercials? I’ve fallen and I can't get up. Okay, so I have always wanted to do one of those commercials, okay? So, but obviously I was too young. I did not look the part. They were not gonna cast me, right? But it's never too late. So no matter how old you are, I'm getting that part. I'm telling you, that's my I'm striving to that. I can see that. That's the next, Rachel, you got to set that up for her with your team. You got to get that filmed. So wait Vixen our next-- She’ll do it so gracefully too. Our next marketing day Vixen, we're going to do it. I might, I might, you know, I dance on tables, who knows? She's a trained beauty professional. Look at her, she's beautiful. Alright guys, well we're coming to the end of the podcast, this has been really great. Is there anything else you want to add about this topic? Ahh. I think our personal experiences pretty much speak for themselves. It is just hard to understand that when you need to change when you need to change or you want to change just understand who you are first who that-- like I said, even if you have to write it down. Understand who you really are first and what's because if you try to change that. That part. That's going to make you unhappy in the end. You can change your clothes, you can change your hair, you can change where you work, you can change all that stuff. But when you start acting differently and it is an act, it's going to come back to haunt you and you won't be able to keep that up too long anyway. Yeah, if it's not genuine, absolutely. I think people, my best advice, don't overcomplicate. People overcomplicate everything. It's not that complicated. I think I've always just simplicity. I just keep it simple. That's it. I agree. I think for me, I know a lot of folks that are unhappy, you know, and they wanna make a change, but that fear, that guilt, you know, holds them back. And it just paralyzes them. So they just do nothing. And so if I had any piece of advice, it's like inaction is action. You know, keep doing what you're doing, you're gonna get exactly what you've always had. So, you know, for those who are desperate for a change in their life, you know, reality is it does come with a price tag. It's a risk. But it's a risk that you should be willing to take if you really want to get to the other side. There's a whole lot of fear, risk, reward, all of it. It's all together. And be nervous. You're not nervous. You're not doing anything new. Yeah, I always had a friend tell me, don't be afraid to stand in the heat. If you can stand in the heat and get called on the carpet and you can handle it, you can do anything. Yep, I had a friend who always said face the music, you know, gotta do the hard thing. The harder thing is usually the right thing, but you gotta do it. Yep. Absolutely. Alright, well, thank you for tuning into the Light Her Project podcast and you can follow our conversation online with our hashtag and in the meantime, keep it real. Real women. with Real Talk. Thanks for having me.