R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

My friend and podcast co-host Vixen Divine discuss the topic of respect.

In this episode, we share:
- Our personal experiences as it relates to respect
- The impact of respect on relationships
- Tactics for gaining respect from others
- The importance of setting boundaries
- How the remote work environment impacts how we show up
- Navigating special circumstances that poses challenges 
- Is respect earned or is respect given?
- How leaders gain respect 

Real women, Real talk!

Transcript

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Welcome to episode 18 of the Light Her Project Podcast, Real Women. Real Talk. I'm Rachel Strella. And I'm Vixen Divine. Thank you for joining us today. I can't believe it's been 18 episodes. I know! Today's topic is so great. We're gonna talk about respect. So, this is like, there's a lot we can talk about here. So we start our episodes usually talking about our personal experiences. So let's talk about that as it relates to respect. Yeah. Respect is, I've known throughout my life, and there are some things that I learned really to put on my map that I had to learn. They were not there. As far as respect goes, as far as, cause I thought everyone, when I was younger, I pretty much thought everyone was raised the same. No, they're not. There were certain things that you were told you didn't do, and you showed respect. It was, It was given to you. It was expected of you. And you expected you to give it and get it. And that was the way it was, at least in my world. Like I said, I thought everyone was raised the same, at least in my world. Like that was, you didn't even call, like, I remember one time I tried to call my aunt by her name. Like not aunt so-and-so. I just tried to call her by her name. No. No, no, no. No. Again, that title is a respect thing. Like, our parents, they didn't let you get away with stuff. So you were taught that as growing up, is what was expected of you, how you give respect, and if you did not, there were consequences. Mm-hmm. You know, I hadn't even really thought about how I was raised when I was thinking about this question, but I was raised the same way. You were respectful. You're respectful of your parents, your teachers, whoever it is. I was actually thinking more about how I handle respect as an adult and in my life now. And I think when it comes to respect and actually trying to attain respect, we have to have confidence in ourselves. And that's something for me that's going to be a work in progress. I, um, I suffer from anxiety. So like certain situations can make me uncomfortable and it affects how you show up. You know, if I'm feeling anxious, I'm not going to be as confident as when my anxiety is at bay. So, um, one of the things I learned when I was in psychotherapy, she gave me a mantra. So it's really long. The shortened version is I will not seek certainty. And it's helped me a lot because people who have anxiety, they're looking for that certainty. They don't like the unknowns or uncertain. And that's me to a T. I need to know what's gonna happen. So when it comes to respect, you know, once you've established your expectations and your boundaries and you determine sort of what's acceptable, you also have to accept the things that are out of your control, you know? And I've had to learn to be able to walk away from situations, or people, that don't meet, you know, my standards of respect. You know, it's taken me a long time to learn this. I'm really grateful that I have a job that's primarily remote and online, because I think that relieves some of that in-person anxiety. I think that, yeah, I think that does help for someone in that situation that you can, it's a way to get out of the situation quickly. There's an out quickly rather than being in front of someone or in a job or in a place where you have to be that you don't necessarily want to be. Right. Right. You’re right. So let's talk about, you know, how do you gain respect? Well, there's a couple of ways, but my big way and the first way, and a lot of times people don't think about this, but you gain respect before you say anything. If they haven't met you yet, assuming that you know people who know you already know if they're going to respect you or not, but we're talking about someone who doesn't know you yet okay. The way you even enter the room. Your posture, your speech, before, when they see you coming through that door, they have already made a picture of you, a determination before you walked over to where they are. Whether it's conscious or subconscious, everything from what you're, and this should not be, but this is the way it is, everything from the way you walked to what you're wearing. How you hold yourself have already made a determination. Now, by the time you get to them then, you're already just, you're either fighting against it or you're flowing with it if it's positive or negative. So, yeah, so that's something. So how you gain that, those nonverbal cues, that confidence that you just talked about, if you have that, that is half the battle right there. That really is as far as respect goes. Because then you're not going to have to fight so hard to gain it because you're already halfway there. I totally agree. First impressions are lasting impressions. So how you show up initially is gonna set the stage for how well you're received and respected. So you may have heard the phrase, we teach people how to treat us. Oh yes. So we do set the stage for what's acceptable and unacceptable behavior from others. So, but it really starts with yourself. You know, you have to have self-respect, self-awareness, you know, and be present for this to work. Like you need to define what it is that works for you, doesn't work for you, what you'll accept, you know. Then you can be transparent with others and those expectations. So, you know, one of the things that I've noticed that helps with that is setting clear boundaries with people, you know. And then there's always those people who feel like, somebody in my team used to call them screamers, the person who demands attention all the time. And how you respond to that determines the level of how they're going to treat you going forward. If you just ignore them and you're not dealing with it. And like I said earlier, walking away from situations that are unacceptable. Get that toxicity out of your life. When you are that screamer that you talked about, that is not necessarily a level of respect, but it is commanding attention, but it's not necessarily the attention that you want. Right. Definitely the attention that can serve consequences or not. So you're right. It's great that you go ahead and let that go and ignore that so they don't feel like, oh, if I do this, I'm going to get attention. Look at me, look at me, look at me. But we'll talk about that a little bit later too, because it is interesting. Some of the things I've learned about myself in my old age. All right. Question number two that I have here, and this is, this is something obviously, you know, I have a lot of experience with, you know, the work environment has shifted to remote teams, you know, we have zoom meetings, we have email, you know, how does that impact how you show up and how you gain respect? So you know, for me I have some basics here and it's surprising to me how many people don't have this down, you know, when you're in a remote meeting, like show up on time. Mute yourself when you're not talking, you know, turn your camera on show up properly, you know, not eating a burrito, you know, looking like a slob. You know, and that and you can tell the person that's multitasking in a meeting. You can tell it in a Zoom. And for me, that's the fastest way to lose respect for somebody. They're just not present at all. Yeah, they're not giving you their whole attention. Exactly. It is harder I feel though to kind of especially in group meetings where everyone's just like a little spot you know on zoom it's really hard to get that respect when you're just a little person on the screen. I don't know if you have any thoughts about how to do that. I do. I, that, when it comes to remote, like the Zoom type of talking, that sort of thing, you don't have that luxury of showing up, you know, from the door, you know, to the space. So I feel like respect is everything that has to do with coming out of your mouth. Everything that comes out of your mouth, the intelligence level or not, that comes out of your mouth really, is just about everything, except there is something to turning on your camera. That I feel like also is a respectful thing. Because I've seen meetings, you know, when they have the picture on there and they have the picture on for like almost the whole meeting or in some, you know, are they really there? You know, there's no interaction really other than maybe a talk or two, but. Yeah, so what's coming out of your mouth intelligence really matters here on that subject whatever the subject is Somebody makes them listen to you if you have something good to say. Because you don't have that time from when you walk through the door. I agree with you there. I think one of the challenges I've had is some of the meetings that we come to, they have, there's several of us on our team there and several, you know, folks on my client's team and it's kind of like we expected that we're all supposed to talk, you know, and as far as us, you know, and sometimes some of us just don't have anything to say, but you feel like you have to. So that's a challenge that we have sometimes because they're like, okay, Laney, what do you have to say? Oh, what do you have to say, Rachel, what do you have to say? Yeah, we all get the floor. But what if you don't have anything to say? Sometimes I feel like it's better to say nothing at all. But you got the floor, you know. That’s a challenge. That’s a challenge. If you're expected to talk, yet you have nothing to say on the subject, is there a such thing as an I pass? Yeah, I mean. There are times when I really thought about that, but I really racked my brain at times, like what should I talk about? Because I feel like I've got the experts on my team who are already going to talk about this, you know, I'm just kind of there in name. But yeah, it's definitely a challenge the way the things are. I mean, I feel like you have a physical presence, you can just show up a little differently. And even though I have anxiety, and I like to be able to hide behind my computer, it does pose a challenge for trying to earn respect that I feel like you have when you show up in person. As far as email goes, like I also feel like basic supply here, proper grammar. Yeah, if I receive an email that's just riddled with typos. It's a huge turn off, you know, and I think that we have to watch the tone of our emails too. It's really easy to misread the intent of an email because of the tone. Absolutely I feel like -- Yeah yeah, I do. I feel like if they don't, if you think, if you even begin to think that person is going to take what you say and kind of turn it around, or it sounds like it could be misinterpreted, I think a phone call is better in that respect. Even leaving, if they don't answer, even leaving a voicemail, at least they can hear your inflection and you know, it's bound to not be taken in such a way because it can get, yeah, it can get pretty bad in some cases. No I agree with you. I also think that boundaries are important with email too and I am guilty of this sometimes. You know, when I get an email from somebody, especially somebody on my team, I am pretty immediate to respond. You know, I think that, you know, I'm being so responsive that I cause people to take advantage a little bit and they email me about things that they probably could figure out on their own. But they know that I'm gonna respond quickly, so they email me. And I'm not saying that they're disrespectful, I'm saying that we set the expectations of communication. And I had a great conversation with Laney yesterday about this, because she's a great example of setting clear boundaries as a remote worker. She does not respond to email that can wait. And she puts her phone away, so she can show up for her kids and other things in her life. So I'm really learning how to do that too. To set that boundary. That's impressive. That's impressive because most people are, for lack of a better term, they're actually addicted to their phone, to this world of social media, to this world that doesn't actually exist. You know. So for her to be able to do that, that would really take, sounds like it would take discipline. Yep. To do that. So I commend, Laney, if you're watching this, honey, I commend you, dear. I know you'll be watching. No, it's true. It's again, it goes back to we teach people how to treat us, you know, and, and I'm really learning that, you know, being available all the time has its disadvantages. There, I think people have a fear of missing out, though I think that fear of missing out is what keeps people on their phone constantly. I can't miss something. Yes, yes, I'm with you. I can, if you beep me at three in the morning, I probably am getting it. I'm probably getting it. At least I might not respond, but I probably look at it because I wanna know, like I can't, what is it? What is it? So I might not respond, but I probably looked at it. Yeah. Okay. All right. So, and do you think that there are certain circumstances in which some people might have more difficulty gaining respect than others? I think so. I think okay you ever heard the term they can smell your fear? Yep. Oh, yes. Yes. So this is where I feel like if someone thinks or someone feels like you're giving off that vibe of a I'm timid or I'm just gonna be over here, you know, that kind of thing, then they feel like you don't have the gumption for respect. I just, that timid little, now, there's probably a level of respect, a minimal level of respect, pretty much, that everyone gets from the beginning. But there you gain more or you basically gain points or you lose points. But they're gonna stay kinda at that minimal level. Like that's the person who's fighting to prove themselves. Because they didn't start off any higher than this. It's true that handshake, that how you speak, are you looking them in the eye? What are you commanding when you meet them or see them? What you're talking about really is somebody's personality too. I mean there are people who are just naturally timid. You know it takes a conscious effort to break out of that but some people just never do and they probably don't realize that they have trouble commanding respect because of it. We’ve talked about anxiety for me. And it's so funny you mentioned about smell fear because my former coach mentioned that to me before. And I believe that I am a work in progress on the anxiety, but one tip that they, that he gave me that I, that I really like is it's called an anchor. To have an anchor. I've heard that. Yeah so like somebody I know, she wears pearls. So her pearls are her anchor. If she has those on, that gives her that confidence that she's got this. For me, it took me a long time to find my anchor, but it's now my smart watch. I’m naked if I don't have that on. So like when I go to your place Vixen and get a massage, I'm like, ah, I don't have that on. Okay, so I'm gonna give you one more example. At least from my personal perspective, I have profound hearing loss. So it definitely impacts my confidence level. Which impacts how I show up and how I feel like I earn respect. Probably my single biggest challenge. Um, a good example for me, I'm at the gym. I don't wear my aides at the gym, but if like they're talking to me, the people at the front desk or Nathan’s trying to talk to me or whatever. I'm not going to hear anything they're saying. So I actually avoid people at all costs. Now, most people avoid people at the gym, but I really avoid people. So I don't even know what people at the gym think of me. They probably think I'm a weirdo, but I'm afraid someone's gonna try to talk to me and I won't be able to hear them. So it definitely affects how I show up and probably how people perceive me and who I am. Well I’m the person, see what I would give you. If I were you, I would have little signs. If someone starts talking, I can't hear you. Sorry, can't hear you. I’ve thought about it. I’ve thought about it. There's a show that I'm just finishing watching right now. It's on Netflix. It's called In the Dark. And the main character her name is Murphy Mason she's blind and how she shows up is hilarious she doesn't care she doesn't care she'll just cut through the line, I'm blind I can't see you know and she doesn't care she breaks all the rules. And I'm like, how do I do that? She could do that when she's blind. How can I do that? You know, with the hearing loss. I don't know. Maybe I wear a big sandwich sign. You know, I don't know, but it is an ongoing challenge because I struggle because I don't want to feel like I'm different, you know, but I am. I'm stuck here, I know. I’ll make you a sign with sparkles on it. Don't worry. A little purple around the edge. Exactly. All right. Well, now one question and, you know, given your opening, I'm sure I kind of have an answer about this, but respect, you know, is it earned or is it given? Well, I feel like it's definitely earned because there's a neutral, like I said, there's a neutral level that everybody gets. Like you start out at ground zero, everybody has a neutral level ground zero. So you got that neutral level. In other words, I'm not gonna treat you bad, I'm not gonna treat you good, I'm just, I'm gonna treat you norm there. So with your actions and your words then, you either gain points or you lose points. Yes. So I feel like respect is, I guess it's given as far as neutrality, but to get any good level of respect, you have to earn that. Because I'm not going to just go around treating people bad until you crawl out of that hole. You know? I'm not going to do that. Everybody gets a neutrality, you know. But then you can go up or down from there, depending what. You ever seen a person who is gorgeous. Oh my God, he is drop dead gorgeous until he started talking. Yeah. Then he went down real, real fast. And woman the same way. Guys, oh my gosh, she is beautiful until she started talking. I agree with you. I think we should have a basic level of respect for everyone. You know, being courteous, not rude or kind of sending to them, you know. You can't really fake respect, you know, you either truly respect them or you don't. You know, like, you should be polite and show respect, but like you said, there's a level of how that goes depending on your interactions. I saw a Reddit thread this week. Someone mentioned that in the thread that respect should be given but trust is earned. So that's an interesting perspective. One that I agree with. Be respectful but trusting somebody is a different level. Completely different level, honestly, completely. Trust is not, there's no baseline for that one. You don't have it at all, like to begin with, like, no, trust you as far as I can throw you, not happening. That is something that is completely earned. And I do, I would put that actually in a different category from respect. Mm-hmm. I agree. Trust I feel like, is a whole different thing. That's another podcast. This is funny how the thread went and these reddit threads, these people can really go into it, you know. So it's, you know, a couple hundred comments down, we start shifting from respect to trust. So I just thought that was interesting. But I guess at the end of the day, trust is really the ultimate, you know. So respect to me is like the initial and ongoing thing that has to occur, you know. Because you respect your co-workers. You respect them because they're your co-workers. They had to do something, you know, to get to that level, to get the interview, to get there, you know. So in some way, there should be some kind of neutrality. But do you trust that they're not going to eat your sandwich? Yeah, they'll lift and level. Yeah. Mm hmm. I agree. Well, let's talk about a couple things we're seeing. So I found this article on entrepreneur.com that's one of the biggest takeaways for me that I thought was in our same like we're both female, you know, entrepreneurs, business leaders. So leaders are judged on their results and respected for how well they treat people. I thought that was really interesting and it goes back to what we were talking about with respect, kind of having that baseline, you know, you can be a person that's the boss or be an authority figure, but so you're going to have that baseline respect, you know, but when it comes to like truly respecting people, it's like how you treat them matters, you know, how you show up and treat them, not just how you show up for yourself, but how you treat them. And I really believe that because I've, you know, I've had, I've had a lot of people that have worked on my team in the past 13 years. Some that well, I'm glad they're gone. Some that I'm so grateful that they work with me every day, but no matter who they are, I treat them well. I can't think of anybody on my team would say I don't, you know, and I feel like our team is strong because there is that mutual respect and they are treated well. Well, I think in order for you to even do that, you have to be, when you're in a place of authority, you know, when you are a leader, you have to also be a good listener. Because in order to provide that person with what they need to be successful, whatever part you need to play in that role, you need to understand what it is that you need to help them develop. And in order to do that, you can't just guess. I mean, you can guess, but you're probably gonna be wrong. If you listen and you look for the cues, then you can see, oh, they need development in this area. Or, and this is where you start to help them and give them their strength, so that you can be a good leader, and then they'll appreciate how much they've grown from being on your team, or being under you, whatever the structure is of that particular business. Makes, yep, I 100% agree. I 100% agree. Listening is huge and not assuming. Yep. We do something with all of our... folks on our team where we call it like a check-in or regular check-in. We ask them about 12, 13 questions. We have some questions that, you know, some people would not want to know the answer to, you know, like what don't you like about what you do? You know, how, how can we improve? Like, how can we help you with what, what would you do if you were a CEO of my company? Um, this kind of questions that really dig deep, but it, it really gives you that feedback that you need to know how to keep people happy on the team. Well, if you don't ask though... Some people don’t listen. Yeah, if you don't ask, some people, they'll just hold it in because they don't think you wanna know. And sometimes it'll just stew till they like just quit. I have a couple tactics around that. One, we asked the same question several different ways throughout the conversation. So if they avoided it the first time, you know, we're gonna rephrase it later on. Two, I'm not the one who's doing the asking. You know, Laney’s the one who will get that feedback and they're gonna tell her a lot faster than they're gonna tell me. So this article also talks about seven qualities of people who are highly respected. So here are these qualities. Be polite, given. Act respectfully. So yeah, that's that mutual respect, makes sense. Vixen, you win, you win. Listen well, yes. Be helpful. If you're listening well, you can help people better, right? Don't make excuses. That one rings the bell for me. Don't make excuses. Let go of anger. And that's the thing we didn't talk a lot about today, but managing your emotions is also a way that you can earn or not earn respect. That's tough for some people. That is really tough for some people. It really is. I mean, they don't know their triggers. They don't know how to, as we call it, bring it down. You know, before, I mean, not everyone, but it happens a lot, especially in the workplace and in a relationship. Yep, you just react. Yep, easy way to lose respect. The final one is be willing to change, and I think if you're doing all these other things well, that would come naturally. But who knows? Some people, you know, they, their map is small. We talked about the map before. If their map isn't big enough, they're not going to change or even do any of these things. They don't realize that they need to change. The first thing to help them change is understanding that they need to. And if they think they're right. There's no hope, no hope. You know, you can lead a horse to water, but trust me, I've got a lot of people that I knew that some family members too that you can't change them. They are who they are. Sometime people are stubborn and they just don't care. Or they just don't know, you know, there's just that they're just lacking that awareness all around. Well, we're coming to the end of this podcast. Is there anything else you'd like to say about this topic, Vixen? No, I think we were pretty thorough on this one. I think if, and if you're an introvert though, and you're finding that, you know, you didn't understand why, what people are perceiving of you from the outside. Not that you're a bad person, don't get me wrong, but just fake it one day. Just one day consciously fake that and see the difference. You know, just walk in that room, just pretend just for just a minute and see how differently you're perceived. Leave it in the comments. If you do that, just leave comments and tell us how it went for you. That would be a great experiment. As somebody who I call a situational extrovert myself, I could experiment with these things and it's kind of funny. So I love to hear from anybody who's an introvert and faking it how that goes for them. Well, thank you everybody for tuning into the Light Her Project podcast. You can follow our conversation online with our hashtag. In the meantime, keep it real. Real women. Real talk.