Burnout, Boundaries & Balance

Today, we're talking about something that I believe a lot of us have experienced and may even be experiencing now – Burnout!

In this episode, we share:

• Our individual experiences with burnout
• Defining burnout and how it differs from stress or fatigue
• Common signs and symptoms of burnout
• Gender-related factors that contribute to burnout 
• Effective self-care strategies tailored to women to prevent and  alleviate burnout
• How women prioritize self-care while balancing various roles and responsibilities
• How women can maintain healthy boundaries in their personal and professional lives to prevent burnout
• Celebrities who suffer from burnout

Real women, Real talk!

Transcript

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podcast, Real Women. I'm Rachel Strella. and I'm Vixen Divine. Well, for today's topic, we're talking about something I believe that a lot of us have experienced and may even be experiencing now. Burnout. Yep. Yep. Let's dive into activity time. So Vixen and I took a quiz. It was for mind tools and it assesses your burnout level by asking you a series of questions. It's really fast, about five minutes. So we actually don't know the answers to each other's quiz yet, so this should be fun. I also will say that one of the things I noticed is it will give you a number and a range of where that like you fall within that particular like number but I don't know where I fall in the numbers outside of my own so we're gonna see if you guys want to take the quiz and let us know your number. Yeah, we don't know if there's a higher or a lower, like how that works or what the highest is or what the lowest is. Yes, yeah, so let's start with our numbers and how we did. Vixen, tell me how you fared. Well, okay, this is what it said to me. My score was actually 26. And it said what 26 is, oh, it gave me a range. 26 is my score, but then I'm within this range of 19 to 32 is my range. And that means little sign of burnout here unless there are some other factors like that they don't know about. Okay, okay, so it sounds like on a burnout scale, it wasn't too bad where you were at. Okay. I have some more room to abuse myself more. I have more room to push it. Okay, well, my score was 43 and my range was 33 to 49 where it said, be careful, you may be at risk of burnout, particularly if several scores are high. So like several different things within that. So we know that there was at least a 49 and I'm a 43 on that scale. So I don't know if there's like full on burnout meltdown mode beyond that. Or if there's even calmer than Vixen, so if you guys want to take the quiz through Mind Tools and let us know, I welcome it. Hey, I wanna meet the person who gets like a five. Me too. I need some tips Well, inquiring minds want to know while we're on this really fun topic. Tell a story of when you felt your most burnt out. Oh my gosh, I got one. It just came like right now, right now. But, and ladies or aunts sometimes can relate to this. I'm a mom. Honestly, when my kid, and maybe it's more than most because of my circumstances. If you guys don't know or haven't watched the podcast before, both of my kids are autistic. And at one point I was a single mom with two autistic kids. The burnout, I just, I could have pictured myself, in like a street gutter hole just away from my kids. It was just like talk about pulling out like the hair like it was just. To me, like at that time, it was just like, it just didn't get any worse. So for me, the combination of being just a single mom, you guys know how hard that would be. And then you have these special needs kids. So you had to have more, oh my gosh. That was, that was yeah, for me. Did you find that there were other factors that compounded that too? Like your job or, you know, any other factors that you felt like it wasn't just the kids, it was like multiple factors. No, because the job that I had was very flexible. Being a nurse was really, really flexible. So I didn't have the constraint of having to be somewhere at a certain time, per se, other than like, cause I worked like the weekends where you only worked like Saturday and Sunday or the overnight shift where the kids were sleeping, like that kind of, so it was really flexible. So it wasn't the job. It was really just, and you got to think though, mine is back in the day. So, We didn't have a lot of resources. We just kind of figured it out and just, you just tried not to die. Well, it's been hard for me to pinpoint like the most burnout because I can gain like a handful of times when I've been really fried. But one that really comes into focus for me and it was just basically a perfect storm, you know, like. Our biggest client was in like their first six month renewal and we're trying to get all of our results together to kind of prove like, hey, we're ready to do this and renew our contract. It was at the end of the year where a lot of our clients are already coming into new contract terms and coming up with new strategies for the next year. You know, I've had my parents, I was still kind of dealing with some things there to take care of them. And we just, we just had a lot of different, there was just a lot of different components that made me feel just overwhelmed. And I just call it crashing into the waves. I remember writing a blog post about it because it was 2019. It was just like, no matter where I turned, no matter what I did, it was just one more thing that compounded that pile. And it didn't get any smaller. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Totally get it. Yep. Yeah, I mean, you and I have a unique perspective because we're business owners and that comes with its own, you know, set things that can then easily cause burnout. And I think they're. it's tough. It can cause burnout, but at the same time, because you're a business owner, don't you feel like you have the power sometimes to turn it off? Yes and no. I mean, I think, you know, when I was just, when it was just me, I didn't because that was just me and I needed to respond or handle it. But, and especially in a business like social media where something would come up, now that it's actually a team of people, I feel like I have to be there to support them if there's something that comes up that they need. So there's like never really a full escape from feeling like I constantly need to be there. Okay, alright. I got it. It's better now, like with Laney, you know, she's been amazing. Hope she's listening. You know, that was that was huge. But we're experiencing our own level of things now we're with the business and growing and trying to do different things in that creates another element. So in any event, you know, let's talk about what exactly burnout is. You know and and actually a friend said to me today make sure you talk about how it varies from being tired you know so what do you think is you know burnout versus like just you know stress or fatigue. Well, see, here's the thing about that. Burnout, actually, when you look at the definition of burnout, actually within the definition is fatigue and stress. So a lot of times, and rightfully so, a lot of people use the burnout in the same sentence, in the same way as they do with stress and fatigue. So I don't really think that... There may be minuscule differences, but really when people say that, they really just kind of mean the same thing in a context of words. I think that burnout to me is a little more compounded. Like, I feel like stress or fatigue is sort of symptomatic. You know, it's sort of acute and happens here and there. But like when you're talking burnout, like you've like had, you're done. It's chronic. You're tired mentally, you know, physically, emotionally. And I feel like you're on a rabbit wheel, like not a rabbit, what do they call it? Like a hamster, hamster wheel, yeah. You know, and you're feeling like doing all these things and you're not getting any closer to your end goal. Well, if you think of it that way, then I would put, I would put it at the end, if that makes any sense. Okay, so to be burned out is like the end of the stress, the end of the fatigue. Like you've had the stress, like, oh my God, I had a stressful day. But then I feel like burnout, you're done. Like you've had the stress and it's now done. Burned out, you're at the end of the road. I could totally see that and I feel like sometimes your motivation is just completely gone. You're just done, you're fried. Pull the plug. But if we can control our stress, which is really exasperates a lot of our actual health conditions, we can stop ourselves from going to fatigue, from going to burnout. So I think it could be incremental. So there's other ways of doing that. So we'll talk about that in a little bit. I do agree with you there. And yeah, that's why I say perfect storm too. Because sometimes there'll be like these things that are happening and you're like, okay, I can deal with that stress and then more things keep happening over here and over here. And then you're like, okay, now I don't know how to have I don't have the tools to deal with all of these things coming at me at once, you know. Together. So we've talked a little bit about the signs, you know, the symptoms. I think that tiredness and fatigue and all of that is a big part of it. But I think there's also like sometimes this feeling of hopelessness, you know, just like beyond measure, how you feel like you're never gonna come out the other side, you know. I agree with you on that. For burnout, to be done, as we said, basically, to be done, it is a hopeless feeling because you don't know how you're gonna come back from it. But if you're burned out, that's why I say you gotta get it early. You gotta get it early. So I feel like those stress and fatigues are signs that you're going in that direction of burnout. Yes, yeah. Yep. it's the little things in our everyday lives, even if you don't have like a big situation, you know, if it's something that you can't get a handle on, cause some people handle it. Everybody has stress, I think. I haven't met the person yet that doesn't have stress, but how you handle it, I think people, some people can go for a run. They're good. Like that's their thing, you know? So it's how you handle that little bit of stress on whether you get to the fatigue and then you get to the burnout. Yes, yeah. I think it shows up physically for you too. Like I find if you're feeling like you're getting sick more often, run down, you know, and it's just, it's not just one day, you know, it's starting to compound. So obviously this is a podcast for women. How do you think these things manifest themselves differently with women versus men? Well, with women, one thing about women is we tend to talk. Most of us talk. Not everybody, obviously, but, and even if you, as we talked about introvert, extrovert, even if you're an introvert, you talk to somebody, even if it's your cat. That's, believe it or not, that is therapeutic. To talk to even your cat because it's a release. Now your cat's not going to tell anybody. That's the big difference, but it is a release. So to talk about it, to tell someone, that is a good way of how we tend to talk about it and how we're going to release it and how we tend to deal with it. Men tend to, and I'm generally speaking, of course, but men tend to shut down. They tend to, they're figuring it out almost in their head or they think they are almost in their head. And you can kind of see, you can see the smoke coming up from, you can see the smoke forming like, okay. And then the woman will usually say, what's wrong? Nothing. I think men compartmentalize, they're more kind of impersonal about it. They just kind of like standoffish, whatever they'll deal with it. And I think women, it's more of an emotional thing and they take comfort talking to other people about it, and having a support system. And that's true. We do. We find. I was talking to my husband about something about what men talk about. I'm like, what do you guys even talk about? Because, you know, women will walk up to a woman that we will not know. Girl, where did you get those shoes? We truly want to know where she got those shoes and hope she got them this season. And where did you get them? How much did they cost? And when can are they out of them? Was it new or they just out? Like, you ask all these things and my husband told me guys don't do that. They don't, no matter if they got the best suit on, you know, the, the, the tie, the cufflinks, whatever it is, they, they don't go up there and they might say, yo man, that's dope or something, but they will not ask them like where they got it. Like they won't be that, you know, unless they know them. I do think that comes out of personality trait too. You know, like extroverts, introverts. Like I don't know that I would ask somebody where they got their shoes, but I have personalities that would. But I do say, I will say that when I'm feeling a certain way, like talking to somebody makes me feel better. You know, like a friend, you know, talking to somebody that I feel like I can confide in. Now in this day and age though, is it also something that you can type about? Because remember, now there's the texting and the emailing. How many times have you wanted to respond to say a Facebook post? Because they said something, you type it, and then you delete it. Because Yeah, I'm a total keyboard warrior. When I'm upset, I will type my response and walk away just because I have it out of my brain. Then I'll come back with a fresh head and rethink it. But that's if I'm upset. I'm thinking more about when I'm upset and I just want to talk to somebody about it. Then I'm kind of like, it's a little different. It doesn't matter how I do it. You know, as long as I can talk to somebody and kind of have them commiserate with me a little bit. So the manifesting differently in the men and women is really about how do they let it go? How do they get it out or do that? yeah. Yeah. And I think that men probably keep it to themselves a lot more than women. Yes. Yep. let's see here. So, while we're talking about men and women, do you think there are any specific gender related factors that contribute to burnout specifically for women? Probably, honestly, as culture, even though we are more diverse now than we used to be, it is still oftentimes put on the woman to take care of the kids, to be the main caretaker, I should say, of the kids. Yeah. They might pick them up from school or something, but the main caretaker generally is still the woman, even if she has a job. Like they still don't split it. Do you know what I mean? So the getting the groceries most of the time is still her job. Like there's so many more factors, home factors besides the work, because now we're doing the work too. But we still haven't. figured out how to split up the home factors and not feel guilty about it. Right. Yeah. that, and then when you do, you'll ask them, can you help me with, as opposed to just splitting it up, you know, okay, you're in charge of this, I'm in charge of that. No, so it's still how that's contributing. So there's so much more over here. It's so unbalanced, but you can burn out, but you feel it's your responsibility. Yeah, I totally see that. And I think women take on more of what I call the niceties. You know, they send the holiday cards, the birthday cards, they typically wrap the gifts and do that shopping, you know, like all of those other little fluffy things that just come with a woman's touch. Oh, um, yes, I'm really lucky because I, my husband does a lot around the house, you know, and, and that's really great that he's so helpful and he runs the errands and things like that. But a lot of cases, it's just going to assume that the women does, they just do everything they do the housework, they do the cooking, they do everything. Yeah, so we're still not, and like I always say, generally speaking, we're still not really, we still haven't gotten that mindset yet that is we need to take care of, everybody needs to push, pick in, you know, get a little thing and you do this, you do that, you know, and I'm noticing, and you tell me if you've noticed it, I'm noticing now some kids aren't even doing chores. Yeah, I couldn't imagine that. From growing up, like that was what you did. You made your bed, you know, you took the trash out, you helped your parents, you know, whatever, you bought groceries in, like, and now if they do something they want paid for it, you want a trophy. I just go, what? And then they complain and whine. You know, I just, it just blows my mind. So that's not that, you know, those things that used to, even the little things like loading the dishwasher or washing dishes, whichever you have, you know, that used to be a teenager thing or a preteen thing, you know. A lot of people are not delegating that now to the kids because they're too busy. They have homework. Well, we all had homework. You know, it just, so again, so that's piling back on to that parent list. Where those are things, little things like that can be delegated and taken off the plate, whereas, but they're not doing that anymore like they used to. So again, burnout, too many factors. Yeah, I agree with you there. So, you know, you're kind of a specialist in self care. So, you know, what are some strategies that you think could help women sort of prevent or alleviate burnout? I have one simple thing that could really, really help you. Taking a pause. That sounds so trivial, so tiny. I know that. But honest to goodness, taking a pause can really, really do a lot for you. I think I was talking about this earlier. So this shirt I'm wearing, this shirt, OK, so it's a cotton shirt. Wrinkles super, super easily. You touch it, it's wrinkled, right? So what I did was, because I'm lazy like that, I put it in the dryer. Because that's what I do. I put it in the dryer for five minutes, maybe seven. So while it's in the dryer, also in the basement is where like my exercise stuff is. So while it's in the dryer, I go to the other side of the basement and I stand on this thing. It's a shake, I call it a shaker. It's a human shaker. Honestly, goodness, I stand on it, I press the button and it just shakes me like this. So those five to seven minutes really like, it gets the oxygen going through you and everything like, you know, everything's going through the lymph is everything's moving. So you feel alive. You feel oxygen just those few minutes. And then, so I got, got my shirt out, went upstairs and then I stood outside for literally maybe I did three deep breaths. I just held it for like a couple of seconds and let it out. Breathe that breathe. That's all I did. I just took. Honest, all together, that took less than 10 minutes, less than 10 minutes to do that. And you don't have to do that, but just taking a pause, that will bring you down. If you are up here, that literally will bring you down. And it might not change your day, but it'll help you start over with your cup that's boiling over. I with that. It's a reset button for a minute. It's so easy to get caught up in what we're doing and then, ah, you know, it's so true. I'm learning that more and more as I get older. Just pause. I don't have a self -care technique, but I will say the one thing that helps me when I'm feeling overwhelmed, there's like, sometimes you feel like you need to procrastinate because there's so much, you just don't know how to start. You know, I take everything I do that seems daunting and I break it into smaller pieces. That seems super simple, just like you're taking a pause. But, you know, I look at, okay, I gotta, I gotta pay my taxes, you know, and I break that into five separate steps, you know, I gotta figure out what they are. I gotta write the check, you know, I all that other stuff. And it's just like, okay, now I have these, these steps. It's easier for me to tackle then letting it sit there on the pile of 10 other things that I need to do. I have a calendar too if you know for breaking stuff up if honest goodness I because I because I have this that to do and this other thing and all these other things to do if it's not written down I very well may forget to do it not because I didn't want to do it but because I just didn't remember and then I'm like oh was I supposed to do that because I completely forgot. You have to write it down. It doesn't matter how small it is, it will leave your head in the blink of an eye. We used Trello for that. It doesn't matter what it is. Order contacts. I write it down right away because I'll forget and then I'm out of contacts and then I'm not happy. You're absolutely right. You know, burnout is not isolated to just women like us, you know. Um, there are celebrities that suffer from burnout. You know, one of the things that I remember probably because it was when I was younger, um, early two thousands, Mariah Carey had like a complete mental and emotional exhausted breakdown. Um, and I, she went on TRL and she was just being really goofy, you know, she was all over the place and you're just like, what is she on? You know? that. And it was right after that that she she hospitalized with, you know, exhaustion. And at that time, I think that record company she was working with paid her a lot of money to actually just run. You know, because it was such a mess. And there are several other, you know, celebrities that suffer from burnout and they're vocal about it, you know, that's more modern, like Lady Gaga, you know, is one of them, Selena Gomez. These are these, you know, When you're in a career where the pressure is high, you know, it's really hard to turn that off. And I feel like women too, we tend to put pressure on ourselves, our expectations for ourselves and what we want to accomplish. I just think are generally higher. That is true. I will tell you though, there is that I notably thought was really, I really commend him for doing this. Eminem, Eminem guards his peace like it is like gold. It is, it is, he, he, I literally am like, I'm not making this up. Like even in the industry, only like four people have his phone number. You cannot, it's like talking to the president. Like you can't just talk to Eminem. You go through his people and if he wants to talk to you, like that, that's how that goes. He didn't even like, he turned down like millions of dollars because he did not want to leave his daughter, you know, when she was growing up, um, on, you know, on tour and that sort of thing. He wouldn't go. Like he guards his peace like nobody's business, but he's the only celebrity male that I've heard of that really takes it to that level. That's great advice though, because you know, an advantage of being accessible is that, you know, you can get things right away. But that's a huge disadvantage too, because a lot of people will be like, well, I can just bug Eminem for anything that I need. It becomes like a lot of things that they probably don't need to bother that person with. You know, those boundaries are sometimes really important. Well, I think also too, if you do that, if you like, and if you decide, if you're listening to this and you decide, Hey, I need to do that or do something like that. When you do make that call or when you do send that text, your text or phone call becomes 10 times more valuable. Cause they know that if you don't take this now, they're not calling you back. True, very true. I mean, we don't have the advantage of being a celebrity, but that small tactic of being unavailable, you know, really does work. It's one that I need to do a little more often. Well, I tell you what, I think with all the people that we're talking about, just even naming those, they are all better off for it. Like now in these years past, now they're better off for it being this way, because now their careers are still going strong, they're fine, you know, and they're not really, at least I don't see that they're having any problems. Right, absolutely. I mean, it just takes a little bit of not like that fear of missing out type attitude to be okay with that decision. do have to be okay with that and fear of missing out is real. I get fear of missing out even for a sale. So I probably can't do that. I probably can't do that. Well, we're coming to the end of the podcast. Is there anything else that you'd like to add about this topic? I just want to emphasize for you to recognize, even take the test. Where was the test? What was the website for that? Mind tools. Mindtools.com right? Okay. Take the test and see if you're in any doubt. Some people they know, they already know, they're burned out. But if you have any doubt, just take the test and see where you are. And then it will not hurt you to take those 5 minutes, 10 minutes to pause. Just try it, just try it, pause and see. I always say what? Try it for a week. If you don't see a difference then stop. Okay. you. Right, give it a try. I'll say I really like the book Essentialism and one of the things that he emphasizes in the book is burnout is not a badge of honor. And that speaks to the people that suffer the most from burnout too are the perfectionist, the overachievers, the type A's. It's not something to be proud of, you know, so it's so important that you protect yourself. Hey, well, thanks for tuning in to the Light Her Project podcast. You can follow the conversation online with our hashtag. So in the meantime, keep it real, real women. with Real Talk.