Let's Talk About Sex!

Vixen and I talk about a taboo topic for most ladies… intimacy and sex! 

In this episode, we explore:

• The results of our intimacy poll
• The differences between intimacy and sex
• Common challenges couples face in maintaining intimacy over time
• Strategies for overcoming intimacy obstacles
• How having children affect the the relationship, especially in the bedroom
• Lessons learned from previous relationships 
• Casual sex: how women and men are perceived differently

Real women, Real talk!

Transcript

0:01

Welcome to the Light Her Project Podcast, Real Women. Real talk. I'm Rachel Strella. And I'm Vixen Divine. Welcome, welcome. So before we jump into our topic today, let's just check in with each other a little bit. Vixen, how is things for you? How's your week going so far? Oh my goodness, I had the greatest. Are you ready? Okay, I got this here. I found the best mascara. Hahaha! Okay, so I have an issue with mascara. I don't like the falsies, what do you call them? Extensions, you know, that you-- don't really care for them. And the strip lashes, they can get like a little messy. Like I just don't, I just don't prefer it. If you can do it, great. It's just not, I'm not great at it. So I prefer a good mascara. But mascara, you know, you rub your eyes and it's all over everywhere or it doesn't give you like the length that you want. So this one, I just tried it because it sounded good. Actually, it's good. It's by Tarte, it's called Light Camera Lashes. So if anyone is looking for a good mascara, like, highly recommend this. This is the best so far. Best so far. Like I would buy this again. I don't have, I'm not equipped to do lashes myself. I mean, I have the whole kit that I bought from Laney's Amazon store, but I have yet to actually try it. I feel, I feel like your updates are always so pleasant. Mine are always a little more, you know, dreary, but I'm sorry. I actually have some good news for everybody who was listening last time. I had a bit of a scare and I had all of my scans on Monday and everything turned out negative which is great. But this process taught me so much, so much. So many women have to be in this position where they get these call backs and they're scared like do I have cancer? What's going on? You know, you pay almost $500 for this additional screen just to find out that you're fine after you worried for you know 10 days two weeks. So I'm gonna write about this in my blog post not this coming weekend but the following weekend and I've got so much information to share for women who are probably googling Dr. Google like I was. And Dr. Google, watch Dr. Google, he can really, it's the not knowing. The not knowing is really the part that really just can let your brain go everywhere. That's the word. I'll say one thing. I think that a man created this machine and a man created all the machines for the additional scans as well. So I'll just leave that there. Okay, okay. Another podcast on that, that's another podcast. For anybody under 40, enjoy it while you can. Well let's get to today's topic. So we plan to discuss something a little different, but definitely important. So we're gonna talk about intimacy today. And I think we have some unique insights to offer on this topic. But first, so we're now going to the poll. And I'll say that we did not get nearly as many poll results as we did when we talked about social media. I think everyone's a little shy, but we got enough that I feel we have a good sampling. So I thought I'd share some of those results. One question is how often are you intimate with your partner? And honestly, we got a lot of different answers, but the majority of people fell in several times a week or around once a week. Okay, so at least weekly was the average. I mean, and just for the record, these are people who are all over the age range, 20, 30, 40, 50 and beyond. So. I asked a question about, do you or your partner have any limitations that would inhibit, such as maybe if somebody has an erectile dysfunction or chronic pain. And actually, of all the people who took it, only 20% said no. So that tells me that 80% had some sort of limitation that was creating a problem for them and limiting the activity that was going on. Right, and sometimes that blood flow kind of decreases as you get a little older. Yeah, I could see that too. I asked people if there was one thing you could change about intimacy with your partner, what would it be? And I got a lot of different responses there. I'll say that about half of people said nothing, they're very happy. But one of the things that were common was the stress, like the stress, external stressors, day-to-day stress, stuff like that. So that's pretty common, I would assume. Pressure, even pressure, like when people go, they want to have, get pregnant. It's like not, it's pressure. It's like they want to get pregnant now. So they're not even thinking about the intimacy. They're thinking about getting pregnant. Just. Right, and it's stressing them out and they're not getting pregnant. Yes. You know, I had to throw that question out there. How often do you feel bad because you're not more intimate with your partner? I, the overall feeling that I've gotten from talking with women casually is that men want it all the time and women are kind of like, you know. So I had to ask and I would say the majority of people said sometimes. I got about 20% rarely, about 30% never, and then some often. So it was a little bit mixed. But the people who took our poll are mostly women, am I if that's listen, we busy. We busy. We got stuff to do. You are interrupting my flow. So sometimes, you know, it's just you got to wait, OK? I got other things that you got to wait your turn. Hahaha Two more things that we talked about here is do you find the intimacy with your partner as exciting as it was when we first met? You know, why or why not? And I got a whole lot of different responses there. Couple of yeses, but a couple of like, of course not. Hell no. You know, and people that were kind of neutral, like maybe not as exciting because it's a little different now. But that was a little bit, you know, all over the place. And that's probably assumed. Yeah, I mean, it is different because you have different things are not the same. They're different circumstances now than when you met. You might have kids or you might live differently or you might live in a house where you lived in an apartment like things are different. So all kinds of different circumstances or your mother-in-law may have moved in. Right? Or you know what, like in the beginning of a relationship there's always that butterfly feeling and there's like that I'm just I just gotta be around this person all the time and after a while and then around all the time we're kind of like, yeah. The husband just got to start buying them new outfits, new shirts, new... Like, I don't know about y'all, but my husband will not buy it himself. Like, I have to go out and buy it. I'm like, oh, this will look good on him. And then he puts it on. I'm like, that's a nice shirt. Like... There you go. Good tactic there. Well the final question I asked the ladies is if there was anything else they'd like to say about their relationship with their partner. And you know we got some great stuff there too. I felt like you know we communicate a lot you know about our intimacy or we understand each other's needs. And what they've learned from past relationships or it's their best friend so it sounds pretty healthy and positive overall. Which is great. But the ones who didn't take our poll, sometimes I'm thinking some people need a little help. Yes. Alright, well let's just jump right into some questions, some of our own personal experiences and maybe what you know some burning minds want to know here. Hahaha So one is, is intimacy different from sex? And how do you communicate that? And the thing that I'll say about, there is a difference. If you actually look up what intimacy is, it's not sex. I think we say intimacy because it's kind of polite in our culture instead of like sex. But it is absolutely different. And I think it has a lot to do with more of the actual connection to that person than it does just the physical aspect of it. Well, I think you can have intimacy without having sex. So it's completely, it's different. It's, sex is the act of, you know, whereas intimacy is like the, think of the intricates of knowing someone. You know, you can get to them that way. Like you're in their mind, you're in their head. They think of you all the time. Like that, Yes. opposed to sex as the actual act of having the physical sex. As opposed to yeah exactly but how do you communicate that is well first of all you gotta know the difference so that was the first part so if you know the difference so now you do um you can just talking is so good. I know guys do not wanna hear this, but talking is, listen, if you don't wanna talk, just listen to what we say. And then if you listen to what we say, you're gonna even score better if you listen to what we say. And not try to fix it too. Like just because you're hearing us doesn't mean you gotta fix it. We just need some time to communicate. Men like to fix things, yeah, but absolutely. Men don't like to talk, like in general, especially about feelings and stuff, so... I'm really lucky in that respect. Like I have a good relationship with my husband in that way. But he's not just gonna wake up in the morning and start talking about his feelings. You know, you really have to like be at the right time and place to be able to have him open up. Oh, sometimes, sometimes there are times when I have to say, okay, I am trying to have a conversation with you right now. That means you have to respond. Get it? Oh, man. All right. So what are the common challenges couples face in maintaining intimacy over time? You know, busy schedules, stress, life transitions, and what practical strategies can we offer to overcome these obstacles? Oh. We already hit some of them on the head and obviously the ladies in our poll stress is there and we're busy. Yeah, very, very busy. Most people, most people are busy. But I think that goes back to household order. If you have some kind of system, some kind of household order, then you're not stressed about that. The number one stressor in a marriage, they say, is money. You know, finances is the number one stressor. But in a sexual aspect, right behind that, like I said, is, oh, I wanna have a baby. And it's so ironic that you stress about having this baby. So you're basically most of the time having forced sex after a while. And then, but the reason sometimes, and not everyone, but sometimes the reason you're not getting pregnant is because of the stress you put on yourself about getting pregnant. Yes. Yes, absolutely. I mean, there's enough studies done about that and how many people actually got pregnant when they stopped trying. As opposed to just doing it, just enjoying it. But the practical how to basically overcome that, other than the scheduling and having some kind of order, because when you have order, you can get things done. And then after they're done, then you can relax. And with that relaxation, then comes that natural intimacy, natural sex. I will say that based on our last podcast, one thing that we all struggle with now is turning off to relax. Turning off the cell phone or putting it down with TV, whatever it is, but we feel like we've gotta be connected or we've gotta be doing something. And I think that's hard for people to actually put that down and focus on another person. I really believe it's a challenge for a lot of people. I think that maybe that they can do it together. Like my husband and I do it together as far as watching TV. He's a TV watcher. He's definitely a TV watcher. But when I'm in the studio or when I'm in at work, like in my place of work, he doesn't come in and bother me. Like I have, you know, I have the sign on the door, like I have a do not come in or you can come in. So he doesn't bother me. But when I'm done... I can go in the living room where he is and he'll put on a show that I like and we watch it together. Like there's some nights that we watch, oh, together. So the TV does help us like, and we talk about it. We talk about it. Right. Well, we watch shows together at night as well. The problem I think I come into my obstacle is I pass out on the couch. Like I start watching TV, like clockwork, and then I wake up, I don't know what time it could be, one, two, three, and I stumble upstairs to go to bed. So there goes any chance of intimacy. You know? But I will say that as a practical strategy, it's really just making that time like for us like our life is kind of stressful right now And so like it's so important for us to take that time. This weekend, we went away this coming weekend we're going away. That's just you know time for us. When we take you know vacation, just having that time that's just ours. It's so important because it's that time to kind of reconnect as a couple around. There are also things that you can do as far as even the regular things. Like, like we just talked about TV. Well, maybe you can watch the same programs. Like we watch in the living room, but maybe you can watch the same programs on the TV in your bedroom. So then you're in bed, you're comfortable. You can kind of snuggle like that kind of thing. So that, so where you are, you can do the same thing, but in a much more intimate, comfortable position. And that will also make a difference. I mean, usually by the time we get up there and he turns on the TV, now I'm in an even more comfortable position, I'm out faster. So, but we're working on that. I mean, we're really trying to make the effort to, I feel like we've been married almost 10 years. It's kind of a cyclic, I guess I should say. I mean, not all the time is it always going to be perfect, but not all the time is it always going to be a certain way, you know, it's just... So, now while I'm talking about marriage and all of that, now Vixen and I, you know, we've both been married before. Mm-hmm. And so what differences did you experience in maybe your previous marriage versus your current? You know, did you learn any lessons as far as intimacy as you moved on? I did, I did. I have learned so many lessons. But one lesson I've realized that men are general, this is generally, generally they super love sports. So don't try to have sex during a football game. Ha! I learned that. Yeah, that's almost like, you know, me watching HGTV. So that's their thing. So in other words, if they have a favorite thing that they're doing, whether it's out in the garage or what, don't try to interrupt that thing. Because I mean, it might go well here and there, but honestly, for the most part, probably, that focus is split. Right, absolutely. I can agree with that. Don't let them do whatever it is. So don't try to interrupt that thing. That's a big one. That's the number one. I made that mistake a lot in my first marriage. And be honest, be honest. Now you cannot be honest for the other person because I can hear y'all now, oh, but he lies all the time. Or you cannot be honest for the other person. You can only be honest for you. So if it doesn't work out, you can honestly say, you said so in the beginning. Because my first marriage, I was extremely upfront. I was like, When I remember, I was in college, he asked me out. I said, okay, before we even go out, okay, so I don't cook and I don't clean. Now, I meant in a homemaker type of way, obviously I know how to eat, I know how to, you know, but in a homemaker type way, like I'm telling you, I'm not domesticated, like I'm upfront with you. Do you still wanna go out with me? Answer was yes. Okay, so I was up front. So later on, I found out he was like, well, I thought I could teach you because my dad taught my mom. I never said I wanted to learn. Never not one time. I was extremely honest, like. So he wanted to change you, essentially. Yeah, that's definitely a recipe for disaster, yeah. So you can't be honest for them, you can only be honest for yourself. You can't be honest for that person. Wow. Well, my experience is slightly different, I guess. You know, I kind of, when I married the first time, I married somebody who I would say is a roommate. We were really good friends, and we were friends well before we got married. And... We were roommates. Like we had our system down for what we did with our life. You know, and there was very little intimacy there. Very little. Like that poll wouldn't have been non-existent for an answer. And I don't know like the whole reason around that because we didn't really talk about it. You know, it wasn't like, it was just our normal, I guess I should say. We got along Really had no issues. I mean, the if we had stressors, it was outside, it was family, it was work, but like we together were fine. And he's also like a really good person. So it took me a while to realize that I actually needed intimacy to like make that work. But I didn't know how to communicate that, you know, so one lesson I've learned now is like, you're allowed to communicate that and not be afraid. Kind of like you're saying about be honest and whatever. And so like, that's just something that I need. I crave not just not just a physical like part of it, but like that whole like feeling like somebody's just got you, you know, and you connect on that level. There was kind of that missing too, because you connect different with your spouse and you do you know your best friend. Right. I, and now that I'm married again, I see the difference in that. Yes, like with my husband, I can tell him the goofiest things. I could tell him like whatever, like he is my best friend. Like, and he can put up with me. You know, that kind of thing. So that connection also, and you know, he, it takes a lot to tolerate me sometimes. Ah When he says I'm not the easiest to get along with. I am, I am so much better now than I was, you know, and because I do sometimes I go in the kitchen, I make up a little something. You know, I do make that effort. And now that I'm older, you know, I've done some things. So I've seasoned off a little bit. Yes, I understand. Sometimes I feel like you almost need that first marriage to kind of get you prepared for whatever's next. I mean, it sounds horrible, but with so many people getting divorced, I mean, it's not unusual. Well, honestly, I feel like now I've heard about this and I've heard about this later, but I didn't have it. And I feel like if I'd have had it, like I'd have never gotten married the first time. Like if we'd have taken, I feel like there was this thing called, you used to go to your pastor and they would like talk to you about the marriage. Like before you got married, before you got married. Or whoever your spiritual person is before you got married. And that kind of went to the wayside, but I feel like if I had that prior to, then so I feel like it's about asking the right questions. I feel like honestly, and you would, you're wasting a lot of time. I mean, it's great if you're just having fun, but if you're actually interviewing, that's what I call dating, interviewing for a spouse, like there's certain things that you kind of need to gel together on, and if you don't, like it's not gonna work. Right, right. I get it. 100%. I just think for me I was too young and didn't really know. You know, it just made sense, right? So, sounds like a dumb excuse. But, and I remember when I decided I was gonna leave my husband, you know, I had a friend of mine say, you know, this person could be a really great guy, but is he a great guy for you? And that was like the wake up call for me because I felt so much guilt, you know, that I felt this way. But at the end of the day, who wants to spend the rest of their life with somebody that you just didn't feel was right for you? So. All right, so Vixen, this is a question for you. How did intimacy change when you had children? When you have children, it's a learning curve because pre-children, before child, children, however many you have, you have all the time in the world. It's all about you. You only have you and the other one adult who doesn't depend on you because they're an adult. Right. In an ideal world anyway. Right. But then you have this child, they are basically helpless. They can't do anything. So you have to do every little thing and the amount of time that takes up. Maternity leave is not long enough, honey. The amount of time that takes up is beyond. So. Getting that schedule together and again, is he gonna participate in that schedule? Or are you doing that, all of that? How did that work out? Did you talk about that? Okay, so are you gonna stay home when you have children or are we gonna go back to work? All of that. So getting the schedule together was really important. So that first two months is like, Oh, I can only imagine. There was not no time you just couldn't-- no, there's no time. And you're so you're like a chicken with your head cut off and I mean specifically for the first one. The second one is not nearly as bad. You know if you have multiples, but the first one you have no clue the books can give you like an idea, but not really. Not really. So it was a time issue. It was a time issue and then it was a self-confidence issue because for most women you gain weight. And yeah, so you're not in the body that you're used to having. And I mean, after the first one, that's the best time when it kind of bounced back, but you still don't bounce back like at that second. Do you know what I mean? So you're still, so you're a little chubby from what you're used to seeing. So if he's not supportive, that could go like either way. That could go, oh, he's like, well, you don't look the same now. Or he could be patient and like encourage you to help you out, to like get you back. Cause the first one you really do go back like pretty quickly with a little bit of help. The second one you need a lot of encouragement. Cause it takes time. It really takes a lot more time than the next one. But so yeah, it's just a matter of schedules. So once you get the schedule together and the baby starts sleeping, has a schedule and that sort of thing, then you can really begin to think about getting back into intimacy, getting back into sex, because that's all it is. It's a matter of, I don't have time. Right, right. That makes sense. Well, I'm glad that I don't have to experience that, but, so a lot of what we've talked about here is more like longer term relationships, but one question that I have for, especially thinking about younger women that might be listening to this program that maybe aren't in a long term relationship. You know, let's talk about casual sex for a minute. You know, what are the differences in how women and men are perceived in that environment? And let's just face it, like, if men, I feel like the perception is whatever, but women, she's a slut. She's a slut. If she's sleeping around, having casual sex, she's a slut. Yeah, if you're a woman, you're a whore. If you're a man, you're a stud. It can be the same body count. Same body count. Vixen? How does that... I mean, how do you feel about that? Okay, so in the first place, I don't think anybody should be sleeping around way too much. Like the body count, I feel like honest, in my opinion, honestly, it should fit on this hand. It should fit on this hand, if anything at all, before you get married. I kid you not. I know, y'all, yes, I'm old, but I, so if you go beyond this hand. Yeah. Anybody, I think is too much. What they say? They say now you're doing too much? You're doing too much if you pass this hand. Because there is, this is a problem. If you have too much experience and the person then you fall in love with doesn't have experience, that can be a problem in the bedroom. Because you're supposed to learn together. You're supposed to experience this together. So that could be an imbalance and that can cause problems. Mm-hmm. No, I get it. I-- my first husband was a virgin when we got married. So I mean, or when we started dating anyway so it's definitely a big difference not saying that I was sleeping around but I get why people would wait and why you learn together because it's just a different level then. And you also don't, the good thing is you don't have anything to compare it to. Right, true. You're not disappointed in any way. Right, exactly, exactly. It's just fine because that's the way it is. And that's the way it's supposed to be for you. So then you don't agree with the whole, you know, you gotta take the car for a test drive first. Because I, you know me, I watch Love is Blind, I love Love is Blind, and that's one of the biggest things when they send them off to wherever, Dominican Republic or Mexico, it's ooh! You know, will their intimacy, you know, and conversation match up to their physical intimacy, you know, and so there's expectation that now we gotta, we gotta take the car out for a spin. Well, see, here's the thing about that too. If you have an abnormality, and this is a true story, this really happened, whereas he wanted to wait and she agreed, so they waited till they got married, and she divorced him almost instantly. Can I tell you why? He had a very small penis, like unusually, Okay. like it was an abnormality. So that's something that you need to disclose. That's not something that... Right. So... How did he not know? I mean. And so he obviously knew this, and maybe that was the reason that he wanted to wait. He thought he could kind of woo her, and then it wouldn't make a difference. But that's something I feel like she should have gotten a choice on, and she was pissed. She was. Oh, now that comes down to communication, which I believe is the number one thing that you need when you're going to get married. I would feel a little like really you couldn't tell me that. That's almost like having a disability, really. You have something, an abnormality, a disability that should have been, it's gonna affect the both of you. It's gonna affect the both of you. I mean, some people can't have sex and they're married and that's okay for whatever reason they can't, you know, they love each other but not everybody is like that. And so some people just need what they need and that's that. So at least it was over quick, right? No dragging it on for years. Yeah, it was bad. This has been a great conversation. If anybody in the audience has questions, you know, you'd love for us to answer another time, send us a DM or whatever, I know you're not going to put it on the feed. But in the meantime, you know, thank you guys for tuning in to the Light Her Project podcast and you can follow our conversation online with the hashtag. In the meantime, keep it real. Real women. with Real Talk.